Thursday, January 22, 2009

Dear Governor Palin:

This is not an attack on your children. So don't necessarily reference this anonymous blogger in your tirade against the press, because I am far from part of the media that could do you any damage. So far I think this is read by only a couple of Democrats that aren't going to vote for you no matter what, and a handful of pissy little assistant district attorneys that will--again, no matter what.

And I'd like to mention that I like the older ladies and like to hunt myself, so if you ever ditch the First Dude just look me up. Uber-Nazi uptight older women in glasses with their hair up are awesome in the sack, I hear.

However. One cannot help but wonder why you think your family shouldn't have been an issue in this past election--or any future one. I know that kids will be kids. Besides, your daughter is attractive and you're a former beauty queen yourself, and now you're the governor, so it's only natural that your daughter would create a target rich environment wherever she went. Can't blame your daughter's husband (can't for the life of me remember his name right now) one bit for wanting to bounce up and down on the governor's daughter. Shoot, I'd like to bounce up and down on the governor myself. You, not Rick Perry. I only make that clarification because I know you're not real smart, and because you probably think being a Democrat makes me gay, but I'm willing to set you straight in person on that one. And oh yeah, because our own little Republican heart throb might be gay. So, let's make sure you know that I'd do you up right.

And I would accept you just as you are. All the imperfections, and flaws, and lack of reading material that would go with a relationship with you, I'd be OK with. You'd even look great, because you still have all of those spiffy clothes you said you were going to give back. They make you look even more uptight, which makes you even sexier.

Except, maybe, there's one thing I couldn't get past: You appear to be a terrible parent. Your teenage daughter gets knocked up, she and her husband-to-be drop out of school, and you think that's OK? And what's more, you think you and your party should be in charge of public policy on things like teen pregnancy? You can't keep your only legal-aged daughter's legs closed, and you think you can keep millions more from doing what she did? On top of that, you want to continue abstinence-only education as the means by which we control our absurd rate of teen pregnancy? How'd that work out for your own family? It didn't? Oh, well, clearly you should continue the practice then, right? Fuck a duck lady, get a clue.

And I won't even get started on how motherly you looked toting Trigg around. Don't worry--I'm one of the people who think he probably really is yours, because you know what one of the leading causes of Down's Syndrome is? OLD LADIES LIKE YOU HAVING BABIES. How utterly stupid and irresponsible it was of you to get pregnant that late in life, knowing what we now know about the consequences. Or has medical science not reached Alaska? Or did you think laying hands on your tummy and praying would make him better? You looked like someone was forcing you to hold an abomination when he was shoved into your hands after the debates, or wherever else it was you were flying while your oldest daughter was riding up and down on the closest high-school drop out back home.

While your attractive, sexually promiscuous, tattooed, high school drop out of a daughter isn't fair game, how you've handled things definitely are. Hell, you went after Obama endlessly for what Jeremiah Wright was saying, and they weren't even related. I know they all look alike to you, but that's just not the same thing.

So, to end this I will just say that I support your candidacy in 2012. Business suits with tight above-the-knee skirts are my favorite, and you look like you've got a lot goin' on beneath that overly-dressed exterior of yours so I can't wait to see you out on the trail. The mute button on my remote still works, so I'm in good shape. Besides, having you on the ticket would pretty much guarantee that a Democrat wins since the only thing you can energize besides the Republican right-wing religious fanatics that you call "the Republican Base" (which is an increasingly smaller group as the literacy rate rises), is the penis of guys like me who dig the older ladies in tight skirts.

See you in three years, dumbass.


Anonymous said...

Sarah is hot. You must be gay.

Rage Judicata said...

I specifically said I'd like to bounce up and down on her.

Is that too confusing a metaphor?